A Male Perspective of Stillbirth I often see articles mentioning the need for more male perspectives on stillbirth. I agree so I decided to write this article on my, a male, perspective. I am the father of 5 children. I have 3 boys, a girl, and one that was a miscarriage. When our stillbirth occurred we had 2 boys. Their ages were 6 and almost 4. As I write this my head is spinning remembering all that occurred that painful week. My wife's, Christy, pregnancy had went well until Saturday, July 7, 2012. From the time my wife started feeling kicks, I began daily asking her about the kicks. Have you felt her kick much today? When is she kicking you usually? July 7 was no different. We had been busy traveling that day to our last baby shower. The shower was about an hour and a half away. We drove down that morning, had the shower, and came back late in the afternoon. When we got home I asked as usual, have you felt her kick much today? Christy, responded "No, not really." We both knew it had been a long day with traveling and moving around so much at the baby shower. I thought our baby girl was probably sleeping due to such a hectic day. Christy drank some water, and sat down to attempt getting our baby girl to kick a little. Nothing was felt. We still thought our baby girl was sleeping so we decided to go to bed and hopefully in the morning all would be fine. Sunday morning. We woke up and started getting ready for church. I asked Christy if she had felt anything and she said no. From my perspective, I was worried but thought our baby girl is fine. To me, she was still just sleeping from the hectic day before. We went to church as normal. I was teaching Sunday school that day so we decided after church if there is still no movements we would have it checked out. About 10 minutes after the service began my wife had to leave. She knew something was certainly not right. I decided to give her some space and didn't follow her out of the service. She texted me a few minutes later and said she needs to go to the hospital now. I am a planner and don't adapt to changing plans very well. Also, I have always felt like whenever I ask someone to do something for me I am "putting them out." I just feel like I am burdening them with my request. Here my wife is outside at the car waiting to leave and I need to find someone to take our children home after church, and find someone quickly to teach my Sunday school class. We were sitting with some friends that graciously accepted to take our boys home with them after church. I asked a man from the Sunday school class to teach. Of course people were asking if all was ok. I just said yes, Christy just hasn't felt much movement and wants to get checked out. We drove to the hospital about 5 minutes away. During those long 5 minutes my wife expressed that there was “nothing,” she touched her belly and said “there’s nothing” with tears rushing down her face. I was still thinking, “no it’s fine, babies aren’t stillborn anymore.” We were escorted to a birthing room and a nurse began attempting to find a heartbeat using the doppler. No sounds were heard. I started really worrying at this point, yet was still thinking “our baby girl is fine and this isn’t happening.” (I am generally not an optimistic person so the fact I was still thinking all was good is odd.) Another nurse came in with an ultrasound machine. Worries were racing through my mind but I kept reminding myself that this pregnancy has been completely normal. No problems or indications of problems. The nurse put the wand on my wife’s belly and started moving it around. She turned the color on that would show the blood flow. She kept moving it around to different spots and angles. Our baby girl was not moving, there was no color moving on the machine. We lost our baby girl. Catelynn Grace went straight to heaven. Now what?!? We waited for the obgyn on call to come and confirm. After the confirmation we decided we wanted to have the c-section right away. There was no waiting. Being an impatient man I’m glad we had this option. I think it would have been incredibly difficult to go home and wait for a few days. Ok, so that decision is made. Now, I have to somehow pull it together and start making phone calls. My wife did the same. She called her mom, and I called my brother since I knew my parents would still be in church. I explicitly remember a nurse asking if we wanted her to call anyone. I remember thinking I don’t want someone that doesn’t know my family to call. I am incredibly grateful to the nurses that do this and I am thankful for the offer. However, I knew I couldn’t let someone else do the calling. So I called my brother and tried quietly telling him what has happened. I was still in the room with Christy and didn’t want to loudly say my baby girl died. It was hard enough to say it, and I didn’t want my wife to hear me say it. My brother went to tell my parents as soon as we got off the phone. Next, I texted a minister at our church to let him know what has happened. I remember telling Christy that this is sure going to be a bad birthday for my dad. July the 8th is his birthday that he now would share with the death of his granddaughter. His only granddaughter. While waiting, my wife and I began talking about how we were going to tell the boys. I immediately, knew I would be the one having to meet with them and be strong when I first saw them. I certainly didn’t want them to realize I was upset or had been crying. My in-laws got there about an hour or so after we called. My parents and brother got there about 2.5 hours later. Also, in the early afternoon a few of our ministers came by. Everyone was trying to comfort us, but truthfully there is little comfort that’s going to happen in that moment. Don’t get me wrong, I was extremely appreciative of everyone that quickly came out to support us. I can’t tell you what we talked about, but just remember thinking about what a climb we were facing. Next decision. We had planned on this being our last pregnancy. So, we had discussed with our normal ob that we wanted tubes tied. This was an easy decision to reverse for us. We told the doctor no tubal this time around, we may want to try again someday. About 4:30 to 5 Sunday afternoon, Christy was taken back for her c-section. I was allowed to be in the O.R. with her. I remember it just being silent. No doctors and nurses talking, no real talking between my wife and I. I was just rubbing her hair and had my head on the pillow next to hers. The surgery went well, but there were no baby cries in the room. Just silence when she was delivered. Since this was all happening on a Sunday there were no other surgeries occurring so I was allowed to accompany my wife in the recovery room. We were told the nurses could bring Catelynn in after my wife starts getting some feeling back in her legs and is able to move a little. After about 30 minutes Catelynn was brought into the room. She was in a bassinet and was entirely covered with a blanket. The nurse removed the blanket from her and I can vividly recall the image of seeing my daughter for the first time. She was laying there peacefully, but her mouth was wide open. Like the stuff you see in movie scenes when someone has died. I could not believe what I was seeing, and what was happening! I just kept wishing and praying for her to cry. There is supposed to be noise coming out of a baby when the mouth is open. I just want to hear my baby cry and know there is air in her lungs and she is going to be ok. That never happened. Next encounter. We were able to get back to the room with Christy and Catelynn. We took a few minutes alone with her and then I decided I should go tell the folks waiting in the waiting room we were ready for visitors. But I felt obligated to tell them Catelynn’s skin color was a little purplish at the moment, and her hands and a foot had some skin peeling off a little, but that everything else was fine. I wanted them just to be prepared a little, as much as you can be prepared to see a deceased baby. Family members came in and saw Catelynn and Christy for a few minutes. We decided when our boys got to the hospital it would just be the 5 of us and them in the room, no one else. I went out and met them at the door leading back to where our room was. On the way to the room our 6 year old, who always has something to say was asking about mommy and if Catelynn had been born. I had to ignore the question for a few seconds until we got to the door. I opened the door and we walked in slowly. Christy was holding Catelynn. Both the boys knew Catelynn had been born. I told them, yes your baby sister was born but she has actually went straight to heaven. I explained that sometimes babies die inside of their mommies. I told them like how their Granny had died a few years before. Christy seconded this thought and helped explain this was just Catelynn’s body and that her spirit was in heaven. Our 6 year began crying. He understood that she wasn’t breathing, she wasn’t sleeping, but in fact was gone. Our soon to be 4 year old didn’t quite grasp this. He looked up at me, pointed to Catelynn, and asked if she was sleeping. I told him that she was not sleeping but had died. While she was inside her mommy she died and is now in heaven. He seemed to understand for the moment. We let the boys see her and touch her face. The 6 year old wanted to hold her but we wouldn’t let him that night. My wife and I held Catelynn and so did our parent’s and niece but that was it. Monday. We had a lot of family come to see us. We talked with a nurse about bereavement and resources available to us. We were also given a few items from a local family that had experienced a stillbirth. Next decision. We talked with a nurse about an autopsy for our baby girl sometime early during the day. When would you ever think this discussion would be one you have? Do I want my daughter to have an autopsy? Seriously, I am really having this conversation? Christy and I both decided we did want one for her. We wanted to know if at all possible what happened. Next decision. Funeral or let the hospital keep her? We also discussed with a nurse whether we wanted to have Catelynn buried, cremated, or let the hospital take care of her remains. This was an easy decision for us. We wanted our baby girl to be buried like most of our family members that have passed away. My wife and I are “old school” people and burial is the only option. This of course meant, we needed to do some planning. I knew that we would have to jump right into planning a funeral and finding a burial plot. Christy nor I grew up in the Christiansburg, VA area so we had no idea about what funeral home or what cemetery to use. After discussing a little with some church family members we decided which funeral home and which cemetery we would be using. This included making phone calls to both the cemetery, the funeral home, and to those helping us with the planning. Now here is where our situation was probably quite different. We had such an outpouring of support from our church family that we didn’t have to do a lot of the calling and planning that most would have to do. I talked to people in our church and they made everything happen that they could. I do recall having phone calls with people and needing to take down notes to get all the answers for the questions. I remember standing in the corner of our hospital room writing on a Subway napkin all the questions and information. Of course, I didn’t want to be writing down notes and making phone calls. I wanted to be with my wife and baby. But I did feel obligated as a father and man of the relationship to do this. Maybe that is an “old school” thinking, but that’s me. As a matter of fact I wouldn’t have had it any other way. I was going to make sure all the answers were given and the plans were made. Today is the day Catelynn was first held by her big brothers. They both held her very gingerly. Christian, the 6 year old was so excited to hold her and be the first to greet anyone coming into the hospital room. He had to show them his sister! Over the next several days we had a lot of visitors. A lot of family came to hold Catelynn and be there to support us. A large number of people came from our church to support us and see Catelynn as well. We left the hospital on Tuesday about lunch time to go back to our house. Tuesday. Before leaving the hospital we were able to hold our baby girl one more time before she had to go for her autopsy. It was very difficult for us to let her go. We wanted to stay there in that hospital room and just hold her as long as we could. When it was time to go it was incredibly difficult leaving the hospital without our baby girl. Usually, as men, we go into the hospital with a pregnant wife, she has the baby and we all leave happy, a bit worried but happy. Well, obviously that wasn’t the case this time around. It’s still very difficult for the father to walk out of the hospital without your baby. That was incredibly difficult, trying, and uncomfortable. Two times before this pregnancy I walked out of this same birthing center with my new baby in the car seat. So, I knew what it was supposed to be like, what it felt like to leave with your child. That anxious joy of getting to take your child home. Well, in this case there was no joy, just the pain of having no child with me and my wife recovering from a c-section. Additionally, we knew the next several days would be filled with making plans for the funeral and working with the cemetery. No time to breathe or grieve, instead still got to plan.
Stillborn Speak | cearles@stillbornspeak.org